marriage Archives - Dr. Marie-Claire Moreau

Jan 31 2014

{Day 31} Time Out For Moms And Dads

{For an overview of all 31 Days of Homeschooling click HERE.}

~ This is the final article in this series / check web site for more free courses and articles ~

Few parents are busier than homeschool parents. Between teaching and creating lesson plans, driving children to and from activities, creating schedules and keeping academic records, some days never seem to end. Couple this with a larger-than-average families and spending more time at home (i.e., more mess, more housework), and it’s easy to see why homeschool moms and dads get no time alone.

What’s not so easy, is for homeschool parents to carve out time for themselves. For many, this seems impossible. This is exactly the reason moms and dads need to make togetherness a priority. Without specific attention on the marriage during the homeschool years, partners may experience stress or indifference, and relationships strained.

Families differ, but some techniques seem to work well in many households. Using these tips as a guide, time for moms and dads can be woven into very busy days.

The process begins with the recognition that couples don’t need to leave the house to be alone. Getting away is better, but locking a door and sharing a scone and a latte constitutes a date in many households. Some parents even sit in a parked vehicle in the driveway for a few moments just to get away. These brief periods are refreshing while they last, until a longer opportunity comes along the next time.

A phone conversation is another way homeschool parents can reconnect. When getting together isn’t possible, sometimes a 15 minute telephone call during a lunch break or nap time, is. I don’t suggest using wireless devices while driving, but I have met several couples who hold scheduled conversations every evening while the husband is driving home from work. They explain this works because his duties as a dad begin the moment he walks through the door, so the phone call gives him time to spend with his wife before he gets there.

Getting out of the house can be possible, too. That is, as long as parents realize date nights don’t have to be at night, and they don’t have to be planned, either. Grabbing chunks of time whenever an opportunity presents itself is the key. If a trusted friend, relative, or neighbor offers to watch the children for an hour, parents should be willing to get up and go. Spontaneous dates are sometimes the most fun, and should never be turned down without a very important reason.

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Actual date nights begin to happen more easily as children get older. In larger families, an older sibling can supervise the younger children when mom and dad need to go out. Having grown up together, knowing all of the procedures and routines well, older siblings make the best sitters around.

If there are no siblings quite ready for child care, a babysitter can be found, with the understanding that older siblings are also permitted to help. Sometimes, parents reluctant to use sitters feel better when an older child is present, since their own values and directions will still be followed while they are away.

Finally, some couples take the whole family out on dates. Though it might seem counter-intuitive, dating with the children isn’t so far-fetched if it’s at the right place. Those with infants can easily dine with a sleeping baby in a sling or a car seat. Those with toddlers can choose a fast-food restaurant with a safe area for children to play alone. Families with older children may enjoy an arcade-style restaurant (think Chuck E. Cheese or Dave & Busters) where children receive wrist bands and cannot leave the premises without their parents. These solutions may be more expensive, but offer the chance for couples to talk and eat alone. Some moms and dads also hire a sitter to accompany them to these places, so they have nothing to do except pay the bill!

The perfect time to get out may never come — that is, until all of the children are grown. Homeschool parents need to get creative about finding blocks of time to spend together whenever they can. Whether a few minutes or an entire night off, this is so important to maintaining a solid relationship, not to mention handling the life they have created together — once they get home.

The homeschool years don’t last forever, and those years are too precious to be missed. However, time away from the children does not harm those years — it enhances them. Children feel most secure with happy, loving parents. Time out for moms and dads is the best way to guarantee this will always be the case.

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Further reading:

Everyone needs personal space

Homeschool burnout

On homeschool moms and letting go

Dr. Marie-Claire Moreau is a college professor who traded in her tenure to become a homeschool mom 20+ years ago. A homeschooling pioneer and the founder of many groups and organizations, she works to advance home education, and is an outspoken supporter of education reform coast to coast. Her book, Suddenly Homeschooling: A Quick Start Guide to Legally Homeschool in Two Weeks, is industry-acclaimed as it illustrates how homeschooling can rescue children and families from the public school system, and how anyone can begin homeschooling within a limited time-frame, with no teaching background whatsoever. A liaison for regional school-to-home organizations, a homeschool leader, and a women’s life coach, Marie-Claire mentors in a variety of areas that impact health, education and lifestyle. A conference speaker, she has appeared at FPEA, H.E.R.I., Home Education Council of America, The Luminous Mind, Vintage Homeschool Moms, iHomeschool Network, and many other events. Her articles have appeared in and on Holistic Parenting, CONNECT, Homefires, Homemaking Cottage, Kiwi, Circle of Moms, and hundreds of sites and blogs nationwide. Marie-Claire can be reached at contactmarieclaire@gmail.com.

Nov 14 2012

Stress on marriage during homeschool

No matter how you slice it, homeschooling is a full-time job. Whatever the method or materials, it is a constant, 24/7 activity. An activity with no breaks or sick days, no vacations or substitute teachers, and sometimes no praise or support. An activity that continues until all of the children in the household are grown — and sometimes even beyond.

Research continues to show moms as the primary homeschool parent. Though dads may be heavily involved in teaching, supervision, materials procurement and all the rest, studies show it’s generally mom acting as Teacher/Facilitator, Principal, Bookkeeper, Chief Cook and Bottle Washer.

Buried somewhere underneath it all, after the soccer games have ended and the chess boards have been put away…when the last lesson of the day has been completed and the chores are neatly done…once the papers have been filed and the technology all shut down…is a married couple who probably haven’t had a night to themselves in weeks (months? years?).

Sound familiar? If it does, you are not alone.

Let’s begin with a shocker. Some day, when homeschool is over and the children are grown, it’ll be the two of you. What will that transition be like? A second honeymoon? Or strangers in the night?

Now, let’s look at the truth. Homeschool families are great at togetherness and routinely participate in activities where all family members can be involved. What they sometimes aren’t so great at, is finding time for just mom and dad. We’re not talking a quick kiss in the morning (though that’s a start), but honest-to-goodness alone time — preferably away from the house, sans kids.

As if this weren’t enough, compound it with a sense of guilt over wanting time alone. Guilt about being away from the children. Guilt about indulging in personal time when there is so much else to do. Guilt over the number of tasks sitting uncompleted at home while we’re away.

Homeschooling brings about many changes through the years — changes parents gladly make for the sake of the family. Changes most wouldn’t change for the world. But such massive, overall changes in structure, leadership, lifestyle, and routines have the ability — the predictable tendency – to tug on marriage.

Please understand, there are no national studies about homeschooling and its effect on marriage. Don’t write to me searching for citations and links. This is just a common sense argument for taking care of marriages during the homeschool years.

Homeschool moms and dads may welcome these changes as signs of having done something wonderful — created a life and a family. It’s good stuff. It’s very, very important work. But that time alone isn’t there any more. Or becomes so rare that they’ve forgotten what to do with it. They may miss marriage as they knew it. And, just perhaps, appreciate an occasional reminder.

Marital stressors during homeschool come from many areas:

poor time management skills resulting in too few hours in the day
financial concerns stemming from living on one income
disagreement over homeschooling itself, or the results thereof
close quarters and stresses related to too much togetherness
outside stressors like meddling friends or unsupportive family members
challenges with a child’s health, learning or behavior

There are surely others. One can easily see how difficult it may seem to nurture a relationship with so much else continually going on.

How, then, can parents find time alone amidst life unfolding each and every day? That is the subject of other post with the ‘marriage’ tag. I invite you to follow the series.

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May 25 2012

What to do when a spouse doesn’t want to homeschool

So, you’d like to homeschool, but your spouse does not. Or, your children spend part of the week away from home, and your ex isn’t too cool to the idea.

Perhaps you’re a single parent relying on grandparents and helpers who just aren’t comfortable adding school work to their list of duties.

Or maybe it’s YOU who isn’t sure about homeschooling, and you’re searching for helping in coming to the right decision.

Sometimes, one parent wants to homeschool when another does not. Most often, it’s the moms who’d like to try it. But, dads can have difficulty convincing their wives, too. This situation is actually more common than one might think.

When parents disagree about the benefits or practicality of homeschooling, how can they to come to an agreement? Is there a reasonable compromise, or does one party have to give in completely?

After working with countless families over the years, I have listened to concerns from husbands, wives and significant others about homeschooling. I have noticed that their worries have everything in common. Classifying these issues into categories, I have developed this list of areas that appear to concern potential homeschoolers.

See if any of these ring true for you:

Problem Area #1: PROOF

One or both parents want to make sure the kids will actually be learning.

Manifests as:

One parent wants to make sure kids are tested to compare them to other students.
One parent wants to hire tutors or other “experts” to teach the kids.
One parent issues ultimatum that children who do not demonstrate progress within 6 months (12 months, 2 years, etc.) will be placed back in school.

Problem Area #2: SOCIAL LIFE

One or both parents want to make sure the children will have friends, activities, or a “social life”.

Manifests as:

A parent who wants a guarantee that the children will still be involved in clubs, team sports, and groups where there are lots of other kids.
A parent worried the children may become weird, odd, different, ‘nerdy’, a ‘sissy’ or uses other similar terms in a negative way.
A parent that asks about dances, proms, graduations, and other traditional school-like social events.
A parent asking to see what homeschoolers actually act like by attending homeschool events and functions before coming to a decision.

Problem Area #3: QUALIFICATIONS and CAPABILITY

One parent has concerns about the other parent being able to handle it all.

Manifests as:

One or both parents worried they aren’t “smart enough” to homeschool.
A parent concerned that the other is too busy, nervous, disorganized, undisciplined, permissive, or <fill-in-the-blank>.
A parent worried about exceptional children, those with additional needs, and children with particular academic or behavioral challenges they believe cannot be addressed through homeschooling.
A parent worried about being “different” and what other people will think.

Problem Area #4: MONEY

Parents worry about being able to afford it.

Manifests as:

Questions about who must leave a job in order to stay home.
Concerns over where to buy books and materials such as expensive lab supplies or computers.
Worries about enrolling children in expensive home study programs resulting from a lack of information about other, less expensive homeschooling options.
General concerns about how to pay for it all.

Problem Area #5: SUCCESS

Will our kids be able to get jobs? Get into college?

Manifests as:

A parent worried about getting a child into a “good” college.
A parent concerned about homeschoolers getting “good” jobs after graduation.
A parent asking to see evidence of what homeschoolers really do once they become adults.
A parent who worries about homeschoolers getting financial aid and scholarships.
A parent who wants their child to receive an official high school diploma.

Gathering reliable information and discussing these problem areas will absolutely help spouses and others who disagree about homeschooling. If there are other worries not covered here, they need to be brought into the discussion, too. Laying the answers out clearly on the table serves to get concerns out in the open and come up with solutions that will satisfy both parties. This conversation isn’t always easy. It can take several days or weeks even. But only by addressing the most common concerns can families move toward making the right decision for themselves, their families, and most importantly — their children.

These issues have been amply covered in the homeschool literature. I also invite you to check out my book, Suddenly Homeschooling, to read about each of these topics at length:

How can we afford it all?

How do you know homeschool is working?

Parents don’t need to be experts in everything

Graduation, proms and other high school events

Homeschooling and socialization Image (top): Free Digital

Mar 15 2012

Parents first

Ever wonder why airlines tell parents, in an emergency, to put their air masks on first? Because parents in trouble cannot save their children, right?

The same holds true for other situations in life — including homeschooling. How can parents help educate and nourish their children when they themselves are suffering?

Just like reaching for the air mask, homeschool parents must save themselves first. When moms or dads aren’t well, children clearly suffer. It doesn’t take an expert to realize that this carries over into schooling as well.

Moms who are exhausted, dads who are frustrated, or both parents when dealing with situations involving finances, health or marriage, for instance, cannot possibly be at their best when it comes to parenting and educating children. Even normal daily disruptions like teething babies and broken appliances must be dealt with lest they too may tip the scales.

Selfish? I realize that, to some, it may seem that way. Particularly for parents who have given up their free time, a successful career or something else in order to homeschool, this may be hard to realize at first. But it isn’t selfish. Actually the opposite. Parents who are not at their top performance cannot raise their children to be. It’s that simple. Heal yourselves first. And then the rest will come.

So this begs the question, how can parents take better care of themselves? The answers vary based on each family. Ideas, however, may include a weekly date night, daily time for exercise or relaxation, bringing in outside help, cultivating friendships or hobbies, joining a support system, or even seeking medications. Whatever it takes to get life back on track so that parents can be there for the children.

Please remember while homeschooling that mom’s physical, mental and emotional health makes a tremendous impact on her children. Dad’s well-being, too. Several days — even weeks or months – of lost school matter very little over the long haul. Having strong and healthy parents last children a lifetime!

Have YOU found ways to stay healthy for your children? Please SHARE them below!

[Image: Flickr]