Dr. Marie-Claire Moreau

Educator, Coach, Life Strategist

Our kids don’t always fit in. We’re happy about that.

Socialization. 

I don’t much like the word any more. It never bothered me before. But, lately, not so much. 

I’d be willing to bet that lots of other homeschoolers are getting tired of it, too.   

I think it’s because socialization — at least to old-timers (at homeschooling, that is) is old news.  It is way over-used.  But most importantly, when you stop to think about it — misses the point altogether anyway.

Consider this. 

The majority of the people who talk about socialization probably know very little about homeschooling.  Either that, or they’re already on-the-fence or completely opposed to homeschooling for some other reason anyway.

These good folks probably think that homeschoolers are — 

  • improperly socialized,
  • only partially socialized; or,
  • are completely unsocialized altogether. 

On the other hand, anyone who really knows anything about homeschooling knows that homeschoolers are actually well-socialized. Even better socialized than their same-age peers.  There have been articles, there is current research, plus there are thousands of examples of well-socialized homeschoolers and homeschooled grads walking the planet right now.

So, the socialization debate really isn’t real.  It’s made up.  Because it’s been proven.  So, these people are focusing on the wrong thing.  It’s all about semantics.

Instead of talking about socialization, I think that opponents are really talking about fitting in.  When folks talk about homeschoolers not being well socialized, I think what they they mean is that homeschoolers don’t always fit in with other kids their age.

And there’s a difference between socialization and fitting in.

Socialization means having a personal identity and using it to interact with others.  It means knowing what is normal and expected in individual situations and how to interact with other people in a way that is most appropriate in those situations.  Since situations vary, so appropriate behaviors must also vary.  Thus, socialized beings must be able to gauge the values, traditions, social mores, and everything else that goes into making circumstances what they are, and then must adapt and behave in the most appropriate way possible in every single life occurrence.  

Fitting in, on the other hand, is an entirely different matter.  In a nutshell, fitting in is the opposite of standing out. The best way to fit in is to not be different.  Therefore, the only way to not be different is to be the same.  Stretching the definition, it can mean dressing the same, talking the same, acting the same, liking the same things, and so on. 

I assert that homeschoolers really don’t fit in. At least many don’t always fit in.  It’s true.  They are socialized, but don’t always fit in.

At the risk of sounding geekier than I already am, I’ll offer an example.   My children, for instance, are best of friends.  However, like most kids, they argue from time to time. Actually, some days, they argue a lot.  But, they’re kids, and they’re perfectly normal as far as my husband and I are concerned.

When my kids argue, however, often they argue about geeky things [which I love].   Like how many helium balloons it would take to levitate a chair.  And whether the regular latex balloons would be more effective than the foil/mylar type.  Or what the combined weight and number of people it would really take to hold a Macy’s Day Parade balloon down.  Or what might happen if said parade balloon were punctured, where it might fly, at what speed, and how long it would travel before coming to rest.  And what horrible things would happen to anyone caught under the deflated balloon once it finally landed on the ground (well, they’re kids after all).

Or, they argue about setting prices on goods they intend to sell for maximum profitability.  They think of things they might purchase (a new hand-held gaming system, for example) to sell at auction, and they talk about how to complete the entire transaction before the credit card statement arrives, so that it doesn’t end up costing mom or dad a penny and we might actually agree to doing it.  They fight about which stocks to buy and why.  And they get mad when we don’t actually buy their stock picks and the stocks went up (we don’t like when that happens, either!).

Over the years, my children have fought over who gets to read certain books first.  Who gets to release the butterflies. Who should hold the flash cards.  Who gets to erase the chalkboard.  Who gets stuck folding the towels.  Who isn’t helping dust the family room.  Who takes the bread out of the bread machine. Who can use the typing software first. Why they have to vacuum both the upstairs and the downstairs on the same day. Why they can’t get a driver’s license the second they turn 16.  Why they can’t work at a convenience store late at night. Why they have to recopy the literature passage again and again and again. Why they have to read the same book again when they didn’t understand it the first time.  And who gets to focus the microscope.  Plus a host of other things just like that.

And, naturally, they fight over the bathroom, the last piece of cake, and what to watch on television.  As I said, they’re normal.  Would they necessarily fit in with another group of kids on the playground while talking about such things? Perhaps not.  So, they probably wouldn’t have the helium balloon discussion at the playground to begin with. But can they join in to a game of hide-and-seek or basketball with another group of kids at the playground if they wanted to and get along just fine? Absolutely.

I’ll tell you a quick story.

While getting a hair cut several years ago, the stylist (I’ll call her Andrea) started talking about homeschoolers.  She had met some homeschoolers before and said they seemed very nice, but were awkwardly shy around her own and other children. 

Andrea said she noticed that the homeschooled kids were smart and had a lot to say when she cut their hair.  But that they just stood around at the park and at the ball fields and at other public events watching the other kids.  Andrea said the homeschooled kids didn’t fit in and they didn’t always do what the other kids were doing.

I listened to her, smiling as respectfully as possible, of course (I wanted a good hair cut, after all). But I smiled internally too, because I liked what she was saying.  But not for the reasons she thought.

It was because my kids and other homeschooled kids I knew were exactly as Andrea described.  They did watch other kids and they were discerning about what other kids were doing.  And they didn’t always join in.  And they don’t always fit in.

That’s because my children are socialized.

That’s because my children don’t always fit in.

And my husband and I are very happy about that.

Paying homeschool consultants

 

If there is one thing that homeschoolers pretty much all have in common, it’s a willingness to help other families along the journey.  Homeschooling moms and dads are well known for their patience with newbies and spirit of generosity when it comes to talking about homeschooling with pretty much anyone who needs help.

As the number of homeschoolers continues to grow, there continues to be no end to the amount of free help and support offered to families coast to coast.

On the other hand, as the number of homeschoolers continues to grow, an increasing number of homeschool consulting services are popping up as well.  These businesses are usually comprised of parents who are presently homeschooling, or who have finished homeschooling their own children, and now are offering consulting services for a fee.

Should families pay for homeschooling help?  Like anything else homeschooling, families must make that decision for themselves.

Before paying for consulting services, however, consider these important questions:

Are similar services offered elsewhere, either nearby or within easy reach, for free?  Have you asked friends, support groups, local contacts, and scoured the Internet to see if the answers may be available free elsewhere?

Does the consultant have the required experience, background, or expertise in the area that you are needing help in?  Not everyone can do everything.

Does the company web site have testimonials of satisfied clients or, better yet, can the consultant give you references that you can call?

Have you been offered a free consultation?  Will you be asked to pre-pay for a specified number of hours or can you pay-as-you-go?  This is important in case you are unhappy with the association and decide to drop out.

Is everything you discuss completely confidential? How do you know?

Is there any conflict of interest you may have overlooked?  Are you comfortable using an individual that may also be affiliated with your local school district, for example? 

After asking these questions, use intuition combined with good common sense to decide if the purchase of consulting hours is worth your while.   Though most homeschoolers get along just fine without paid help along the way, should you decide to go this route, you’ll want to be sure to get the most from your money.

Different parents, different styles

HIM: Nice, hon…when did you put silk flowers in the bathroom?

HER: Um, about 12 years ago.

——————————————————————–

HER: So, who’s playing in the Super Bowl next year?

HIM: Um, well they don’t know that yet.  It depends on next season and the playoffs……….

——————————————————————–

Men and women are obviously very different.  They communicate differently, can have vastly different interests and pay attention to different kinds of things. It doesn’t take an expert to realize that these differences can sometimes carry over into the family homeschooling arena.

Is there a right way and a wrong way to homeschool children? Certainly not.  Are women better than men at it?  I didn’t say that, either.

But different parents do other things differently, so it’s natural to assume that each will put his or her own unique spin on homeschooling, too. 

Since homeschooling households tend to be made up of moms shouldering most of the responsibility for educating the children and dads off at a job, keeping the family financially afloat, moms usually do most of the schooling themselves.  It isn’t always the case, and this isn’t meant to sound 1950’s or sexist or anything else; it’s just that large national research studies have shown that it is pretty typical.

But dads can help with homeschooling, too.  In fact, most do. It all depends — some do a little and some do a lot.  Different dads do different things, each adding his own spin to whatever it happens to be.  Some dads take over parts of the academics. Some do the sports. Some handle the driver’s training. Some the nighttime story-telling.  Others just pitch in where they’re needed. And on and on.

Dad’s involvement all depends on the patterns that have been established in the home.  It’s very much like household chores, yardwork, shuttling children to and from activities, and everything else.  Different dads do different things — each in his own way.

Lest you feel this is confusing to children, rest assured, it isn’t.  Just as children adapt to both parents doing other things, they adapt easily to different parents in the homeschool, too.  Like anything else, kids learn early on that mom does things her way, and dad his.

And overall, this all works out quite well.

Except when it doesn’t.

Like when mom insists that dad does it her way.  Or when the kids decide to inform dad that mom doesn’t do it that way, either.  Or when dad suggests  that mom isn’t doing something quite right.  Or when dad introduces the kids to a different way of doing whatever-it-is, and upsets the apple cart just a little bit (or maybe even a lot).

And that’s when things can begin to get a little dicey…but they don’t have to.

Though it can be hard to resist butting-in at time, it is important for both parents to give one another credit for what they do in homeschool.  Just because one does it differently than the other, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s wrong.   And just because parents don’t do things exactly the same, it won’t necessarily confuse the children, immediately undo everything they’ve learned so far or make the kids stupid for the rest of their lives.

Can parents suggest to one another what might work best? Sure!  Can they discuss the kids and the different kinds of things they’re doing in homeschool?  Of course!

But, parents also need to accept that each will always add his or her own bias to their interpretation of the facts, each will always have his or her own ideas about a particular subject and each will always (whether consciously or not) add his or her own personal twist to doing homeschool with the kids.

And no matter who teaches what, or how, the kids will still be ok. 

I’d like to leave you with a funny saying about fishing — perhaps you’ve heard this one:

A bad day of fishing is better than a good day at the office.

Applied to homeschooling, it might read like this:

No matter who does the schooling, or how, it is probably still better than the alternatives.

Just as moms and dads can have different parenting styles, they can also have different homeschooling styles.  And it’s really okay.  And the kids are going to do great.

Competitive homeschooling

“I am so proud of my little Johnny – he finished his Latin program today.”

“Oh, we finished Latin years ago.  Our Susie spent the last two years learning to speak Chinese and Swahili.”

“Since he has some free time now, I am thinking about enrolling him in an art class.”

“Oh, I forgot to tell you that Susie sold her first painting!”

“Maybe a sport.  Do you know of a tennis program for kids?”

“Not locally, but I drive 4 hours to get Susie to private lessons.  Her coach says she’ll go all the way to the top – you know she earned three trophies already, right?”

“I also need to look at a new science curriculum for next year.  Are you going to the convention?”

“Oh no, I don’t need a convention. Susie already won the science fair four years in a row and got the highest score on the district’s standardized test.”

“I just want to be sure I am doing everything right.”

“I am sure you are.  As for me, if I keep going at this pace, Susie will graduate by the time she is 16 and become a doctor before her 21st birthday.”

Homeschooling moms and dads love to talk shop with other homeschooling parents.  It can be very helpful to share product and curriculum information and generally hear how other families do things.

There is a problem, though, when one parent always seems to try to top the other.  This may be inadvertent, or could be intentional.  Either way, it doesn’t do much in the way of supporting the other parent.

Support is supposed to be a two-way exchange.  One parent may need more support than the other at times.  Over time, however, the tables are usually turned, giving the first parent the opportunity to offer something in return.  In homeschooling, or anywhere else, support is traditionally a system of give-and-take.

At least that is how it is supposed to work.

To the givers of advice, that is those who tend to be very enthusiastic about sharing everything they do, I offer this suggestion.  When offering homeschooling advice, particularly to new families who are just getting their feet wet, start out slowly.  Offer tidbits of information and little snapshots of what you do at home, rather than divulging everything all at once.  Going over-board with too much information or continually talking about ones own children can make others feel inadequate.  Worse, it can sometimes backfire by intimidating the other parent into feeling that they are unable to homeschool at all – the opposite effect of what real support ought to do.

And to the receivers of this advice, I want you to know that this is not a particularly widespread problem.  Actually, most homeschooling parents go very much out of their way to make new families feel welcome and exceedingly comfortable.  However, you’ll sometimes meet a very competitive parent or group of families that make you uncomfortable in the ways I have described.

If this happens, I suggest finding a better friend, another group, and an overall better support system.  Because there are so many kinds of support (physical, telephone, online), this shouldn’t be very hard to do.

Do not allow others to make you feel as though you aren’t doing enough, or aren’t doing things correctly in your homeschool.  Every family is different and everything won’t work for everybody anyway.  Trying to be something you’re not will not work and can result in completely the wrong fit for your family.

Why do people homeschool?

Two decades ago, it was easy to assume that parents chose homeschooling for religious reasons or because they didn’t believe in turning their children over to schools.

Today, there are many new reasons to homeschool than in the past.  In fact, many families and their children choose homeschooling for more than one reason.

Quoting directly from The National Home Education Research Institute, the most common reasons given for homeschooling today include:

  • “customize or individualize the curriculum and learning environment for each child,
  • accomplish more academically than in schools,
  • use pedagogical approaches other than those typical in -institutional schools,
  • enhance family relationships between children and parents and among siblings,
  • provide guided and reasoned social interactions with youthful peers and adults,
  • provide a safer environment for children and youth, because of physical violence, drugs and alcohol, psychological abuse, and improper and unhealthy sexuality associated with institutional schools, and
  • teach and impart a particular set of values, beliefs, and worldview to children and youth.”

Parents who are thinking about homeschooling can feel good in knowing that they are not alone.  The millions of students currently being homeschooled in the US demonstrates that other families share the same concerns and have chosen home education for the very same reasons.